Because I am...(not?)

[A pretty amateur attempt...putting some flow of thoughts...]

When people lose hope...I wonder why lose faith...because that's what I am...(not?)
When people give up in desperation...I wonder why not make it work...because that's what I am...(not?)
When people laugh at my attempts...I wonder why not move ahead...because that's what I am...(not?)
When I try again and again with no results...I wonder why failure is a big deal...because that's what I am...(not?)
When I try to solve a problem...I wonder why an unusual solution is bad...because that's what I am...(not?)
When I fall flat with my mistakes...I wonder why can't I learn lessons from them...because that's what I am...(not?)
When I finally get some success...I wonder why I feel that's not a big deal...because that's what I am...(not?)
When 'I' lose faith...I turn to God...questioning myself...I wonder why?...because that's what I am...(not?)

When I question myself...wondering why I can't identify who I am...because I am...(not?)

Once...I had...

Once, I had beautiful sparkling eyes...
After seeing the ugly things of this world...
They turned dry & lifeless...

They were curious, deep, meaningful & innocent
Somehow... eyes have a way of conveying what we've been through in life...
Reminds us of the brutality they have seen & shown

Just like the lotus in the water, with good people, my eyes were blooming in the sunlight...
Taken out of the water... the same sunshine dried up...
My eyes became lifeless...

Who should I blame? the sunshine or leaving the water?

Lifeless as they are now, my eyes went out to look for the water...
To be blooming again...to be beautiful again...
Being stuck in a desert of ugly truths, they still look for the oasis...

With the self-imposed walls of loneliness... a skull with two holes is all I am left with now...
Can I see life again? Can I ever recover the beauty of my eyes again?
Was the damage a learning experience?...Was it worth?... I don't know...